How Will I Tell MY Sons…

How do I explain to my sons ….

How do I explain to my sons that the beautiful black skin they are in won’t be loved by others?

How do I explain to my sons that their strong – chiseled physique will be intimidating to those who don’t poses the same features?

How do I explain they will be feared for merely educating themselves with knowledge of where they come from and who they are destined to be?

How do I explain to sons the difference between cooperation and complacency?

How will I explain to them they are at risk of losing their lives for reaching for their phones and wallets?

How will I explain to my daughters they are valuable in A world that sees them only as objects?

How will I explain to my daughters they will be pushed against one another because one will be more “ desirable “ due to her fake skin and the other ridiculed for being dark chocolate like her matriarch queen ?

How will someone explain to me my son being shot dead in the street , a knee on his neck while he screams he can breathe , being gunned down while buying skittles , executed while complying all because they are BLACK!

How will WE make this change?

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In the Spirit of Faith!!

Lately I have been having a hard time with my faith. Not my praying or my conversations that I hold with the man above but faith in myself. The faith that you carry that helps you keep pushing in the midst of  a season where things just are not going as planned.

Just the moment when you have no clue what to do. In this moment I am having a hard time figuring out where I, Vontress went wrong. with loving someone who NEVER loved me ( per his words) . Why am I doing my best as a mother and I am putting forth all the efforts I can and it still doesnt seem good enough. Why my blessings of my new car , and other things don’t feel as special as they should. ( Now this is where my conversation with the man upstairs came in)

I simply asked , ” Where did I go wrong to deserve this horrible break up and these horrible feelings that I have been feeling?” I sat and waited because HE is usually good about quick answers because I know, I be getting on his nerves with the questions but the answer I got was ” YOUR FAITH IN YOOURSELF”. I did not feel deserving of love so I chose a man who would never love me because he does not love himself! I have never been big on material things so my new car doesnt feel like an accomplishment of hard work and stability but a necessity of an adult. I dont feel like a good mother always because I can’t give them the moon and the stars in their hands when that’s all I work for.

I lacked the confidence in all of the things that I was doing because I lost faith in ME! My breakup was the most hurtful thing I had experienced in a long time beccause he was someone I thought I would marry and to know me than  you know I have NEVER had that feeling for ANYONE ! I was looking to my kids to tell me  I was a great mom for the things that I did for validation and I was looking for fulfiment in my “things.”

I lost all the things that made me who I was becuae I was so focused on givng everything I have to others. It was not a lack of self love , or doing what I needed in order to care for myself it was learning to trust ME and my decisions. I had to trust that separating from a man that only meant me harm no matter how much I loved him was ok to d.  No matter the ways he tried to change that feeling. Being a parent and not a friend to my kids would make them into the best adults possible, and the things that I gained in my hard work were meant to be celebrated.

See having faith is not always about leaving everything in the man aboves hands ! We have to do a little work also. It is about trusting YOU, and that the things that you do and decide for yourself are RIGHT ! No matter if it feels a bit awkward at the beginning. I don’t ever try and get holy on yall but I pray for anyone going through a turning point and needing to know , HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF !

As Always,

Stay Healing

Mama’s Baby and Daddy’s Maybe

Lately I have been having such a struggle with the things that baby dads do. Now we all know that moms are the one everyone turns to but when are men really going to be FATHERS !! 

Mom cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she is the doctor , the counselor and the damn priest if need be. We do any and everything in order for everyone to be ok and there is NEVER a moment that these baby dads say hey i’m going to sacrifice a few hours of my day in order to make sure that the mother of my children is alright. Now when I say that some of yall are going to think that means we are looking for money or our nails done. When in actuality we are looking for a nap, someone to do the damn dishes and take out the trash without being told and actually taking care of the kids. 

A few women around me GO HARD for their families. Working , STILL in this pandemic and coming home to men who can’t even make sure that the kids are ready for bed and some dinner is made. I mean even a damn sandwich will do. They get up and go where ever, whenever , with whomever and were always home with the kids. There is never any consideration of the plans we may have or even consideration for the fact that we may have business to handle and they may need to take care of the kids. And when they do by some miracle keep the kids, how DARE we be gone for more than 5 minutes before we are getting called and texted off the hook. We’re working our behinds off in order for them to live and be fathers ONLY when its convenient for them. I mean can some of these baby daddys even tell me your kids doctor’s name, or the last time they took a poop or maybe the name of their imaginary friends. ( Dont worry I’LL WAIT) 

And you know where the problem starts WITH US !! Yes, but sorry ladies it’s us! We are so used to being the man and the woman to ourselves that we do not even take the time to make sure these men are doing what they should be doing. I’m sorry but we need to set boundaries and make them do what’s necessary or cut them off at the knees. And that means limiting the access they have to the luxuries we provide. Like you want to leave the house take one of your kids, you can’t nap if I can’t and you want food MAKE IT YOURSELF.

“What  I need men to understand is they aren’t any less responsible for the basic caretaking of a child because they are the father.”

 

You should be present in all aspects of what your child has going on and making it a point to be capable to take care of your children efficiently should anything happen to the mothers of your children. 

Now this is not to negate the fathers who do just as much as the mothers or in some cases more. It is simply to shed light on the fact that at some point SOME OF YOU need to GROW UP. And I also need you to understand when a woman gets tired of doing all the work without support you will hear her mouth. Not only this, why wouldn’t any parent want to be 100% involved in thier childrens everyday routine. I truly cant understand but what I do know that it is becoming way too common for men to be physically present and not INVESTED in their children.

Well Until next time ! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE !

The Black Man and Accountability!

 

I tried to be quiet but I can’t ! And whomever doesn’t like what I have to say ! God Bless you anyway ! As a black woman of FOUR black sons ; I know the struggles they will face , I know the injustices they will experience and I know how the world looks at them without them saying one word . I tell my sons all the time the value of life , honesty , RESPONSIBILITY for your actions ACCOUNTABILITY for the consequences that follow !

Now someone posted this meme and I’ll tell you it pissed me off to my core :

* DISCLAIMER* : This post is via Instagram.com. Apologies for the language and incorrect grammar!

Why is the world to blame for the inadequacies that certain individuals have? I will be the first to say that I love black men , always have and always will, when I see something going wrong I advocate for them and I speak my peace for those who do not always have a voice and the courage to use it . But what I do not appreciate is a victim. My favorite saying is,” you can not have peace where you create chaos. ” Now with that being said lets break this down. IF a man ( of any color ) is not doing what is necessary by the unwritten laws of adulthood why would he be anything other than less than his potential? Why is ” America” and their choices of how they view black men a reason to become those negative things. And if you are not qualified for a job why are you not taking another look at your resume, finding out how and where you can advocate for yourself if you feel you have been treated unfairly. 

My biggest problem is the war between the black woman and man. Black women have became the biggest reason to blame in the victimization role that Black Men have come to be comfortable in. Why is is that baby mothers are called bitter for telling you where you need to IMPROVE AS a MAN in order to be a GOOD FATHER for your children ? Why are Black Women the root of calling men ” AIN’T SHIT” And for the hell of it why is that other races of women are treated better than the black woman.  I watched an episode of an amazing web series called ” Black On Both Sides” written by Alonge Hawes. In Episode 6 there were two black individuals feuding over the dynamic between the black man and woman. Oddly both happened to have white spouses but one part struck a nerve. The wife of the black man was giving him a pep talk and in the talk she tells him in so many words that ” Black men don’t do feelings.” To me its simple , black men run from what is real that is why in my opinion there are so many men turning their backs on the reality of who they are and dating outside of their race. They are doing this instead of looking at themselves in the mirror and taking things for what they are and realizing no one is responsible for the things that they choose to put into the world but THEM ! Now don’t get me wrong, I could truly care less whom anyone dates or if they are green . blue . or purple. My problem comes in when Black Men feel that other races hold more relevancy than they one they came from and dating races they claim to be the blame for the poor treatment the receive throughout society. 

It is up to black men to stop and figure out how they can be better. What they can do to shut down stereotypes by ” America” , taking care of their children so they aren’t being called “deadbeats” and ensuring that they are living up to the best of their potential to be in the jobs and positions they deserve. Point the finger at yourself sometimes and make the necessary changes for a better outcome. 

SELF Love on Valentines Day!

We all know Valentine’s Day has derived from some pretty dark roots, February 14th has become a cause of celebration. We celebrate the word : LOVE ! Whether singing that single song or a duet of love birds this day has loved and HATED.

Everyone has their own thoughts on love ( depending on our situations).  It comes from the way that we love our spouse, family, or friends. But we never never talk about what comes to mind when we think about what it means to love ourselves. 

Do you appreciate the person you are? Is there a way that you show affection toward yourself? Are you in love with yourself?

If you can’t seem to answer yes to any of these questions then its for damn sure time to give YOU a little love today. Most of us think that loving ourselves means getting a pedicure or going to the movies and YES all of these things are great but are we taking the time to nurture our spirits. Most of the time as a single person we immediately enter this ” panic mode ” feeling of seeing all the happy couples , the gifts and the hoopla on social media. But here are a few steps that you can take toward self love not just today but every day. 

 

1. Appreciate the person you are.

Take time to enjoy everything about you. Of course we are all works of are and on different paths of self discovery but what makes you unique? Those are all the things that you should be celebrating and proud of. Be gentle in the way that you talk to yourself when it comes to your flaws and don’t see them as the reason you aren’t sharing today with someone but more of a day of triumph because you are willing to celebrate the love you have for you. 

2. Go on an Instagram Hiatus.

Social media is clearly the devil. Well , i’m joking, BUT Instagram and other forms of social media should be the very last thing that you want to be indulging in on this day. We ain’t got time to be jealous of everyone and their same roses and chocolates from CVS ( sorry not sorry ) but it doesn’t hurt to throw out there the love you are showing yourself and then signing out for the day. 

3. Write Yourself a Love note

In my book , Affirmed Queen, I mention writing two letters to yourself. One letter is to explain to yourself who you think you are today and the second letter is to explain who you want to be after a year worth of SELF LOVE work. * PS if you haven’t got the book CLICK THE LINK 🙂 * 

4. NOW it’s Time for Pampering.

Run that bubble bath that you keep promising yourself, take yourself on a date, cook a nice meal or Door Dash. ( whichever you prefer). Take time with you and RELAX. Who says today is ONLY for the lovers or married couples. 

 

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One of the most courageous acts of radical self-love is valuing your time, energy and how much of yourself you are giving to others. Show yourself you care by setting boundaries that prioritize your own wellness. This does not mean that you can’t still be kind, giving you.

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The concept of today is Love. Loving you, who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses. Spending time with yourself that you usually push back to a later date, and overall enjoying your own company and laughing with yourself. There is no reason to feel discouraged or sad because you have no one to share it with. It should just be another day to love yourself a little more. !

 

Remember before you go to bed look at the most important person in your life in the face and tell them…

I LOVE YOU!